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Take note, baby boomers: If you suspect your aging mother or father is losing the ability to handle routine tasks, don't wait for a medical emergency to take action.

Parents often are reluctant to accept help from loved ones for fear of losing their independence, says Joy Loverde, author of The Complete Eldercare Planner.

It's up to you to watch how your parents act, and then communicate with them in a non-threatening manner if you believe they need help for their physical or mental limitations.

"When we are with them, we can't act as though we have no responsibility. We can't afford not to be paying attention," Loverde says. "If we do, we're the ones who get caught off guard. This is not a generation of people who are used to asking for help."

What problems to look for

Ability, not age, is the best way to judge whether your mother or father needs daily assistance, says Loverde, who conducts seminars and has appeared on national television shows on eldercare issues. Instead of using age as a measuring stick, Loverde recommends watching for these warning signs:

• Difficulty doing basic tasks, such as walking, dressing, eating and cooking.
• Poor cognitive skills. If your mother or father consistently gets lost while driving, has difficulty answering questions or is unable to remember familiar names and places, you should consider whether he or she needs extra attention.
• Poor hygiene, such as infrequent bathing and sloppy appearance.
• Failure to fulfill responsibilities. If you spot unopened mail, unpaid bills and bank account overdrafts, you should be concerned.
• Changes in health, such as weight loss, incontinence, changes in appetite and black and blue marks that could be signs of a recent fall.
• Increasing isolation. Has your mother or father lost interest in friendships, activities or hobbies? Does he or she live alone and keep the curtains drawn day and night?
• Changes in attitude. You should be concerned if your parent is abusing alcohol or drugs, talks about being depressed, is unusually argumentative or appears paranoid.

"Anything that is out of the ordinary should be a red flag," Loverde says.

If you live far away from your parents and you know a friend or relative who is going to see them shortly, contact that person before and after the visit to get their feedback, Loverde says. You also might well want to talk to your family physician about any problems you detect.

Talking to your parents

Once you've identified the problems, you'll have to approach your parent to discuss solutions. Doing this the right way, tactfully, "is really a key factor in their willingness to engage in a subject that is quite fearful to them," Loverde says.

"I find it's better to ask questions than to make statements," says Loverde, a Chicago-area resident with an elderly mother living in Florida. "My job is to facilitate a conversation that puts her in the driver's seat."

"How can anyone afford nursing home care these days?" is one good way to start a dialogue on eldercare. If your parent does not respond immediately or changes the subject, at least he or she knows that you're watching out for their best interests, Loverde says. Communicating with your loved one about eldercare issues usually takes more than one attempt.

"You really have to inch toward what is on your mind," Loverde says. "Family members make a lot of mistakes about taking over their parents' lives. They want to maintain control over their own lives for as long as possible."

It's best to divide eldercare responsibilities among family members instead of putting the burden on only one or two people, says Loverde. There's also a variety of programs and mechanical devices to help your homebound parent, including:

• Emergency-response devices, such as a bracelet or necklace equipped with a push-button radio transmitter that can be activated when a medical problem arises.
• Postal Alert. The post office can have someone contact you if the mail carrier notices an unusual accumulation of mail.
• Social day care. Community centers and churches often provide group meals, recreation and trips for senior citizens.
• Adult day care. Staffed by health care professionals, these specialized licensed facilities provide care for people who cannot be home alone during the day. A doctor's prescription is usually required for enrollment.
• Respite care. In-home and out-of-home care is available if you are a caregiver to your parent.

Churches, hospitals, senior citizens organizations and agencies on aging are some resources to contact for eldercare services.

External Resources: National Family Caregivers Association National Institute on Aging National Council on the Aging National Association for Home Care American Association of Retired Persons Home-delivered meals from Meals on Wheels

This article was published on 2000-06-06
This article was reviewed on 2003-02-03